The scene: A big box store (not Target) a few miles from our house. Devon and I are flying to Vermont in a few hours and still frantically trying to fix the sprinklers, but Devon needs to make a run to Big Box Store for some thread tape and travel size toiletries. He decides to skip the line at the cashiers and uses the self checkout. Due to inadvertant washings and a tough life in his wallet, his card needs to be swiped several times to work. His transaction goes through but the screen reads “See Cashier.” so the cashier waddles over to check out the problem.

Can I see your credit card?

Sure, here you go.

Peon compares signature on credit card to hastily scrawled signature on electronic screen.

These don’t appear to match.

I’m in a hurry . . .

Peon, still examining signatures closely.

Can I see your license?

Sure.

Hands license to her.

Peon compares signature on license to signature on electronic screen.

Still not a match.

Devon dumbfounded for a second.

You can compare the names on the credit card to the name and picture on the ID. It’s me.

I don’t know. The signatures don’t match. Driver’s licenses can be forged anywhere.

Umm, I’m pretty sure I’m going to board a plane with that same license in a few hours. It’s real.

Well, I just don’t know. The system suspected something, which is why you got the see cashier message.

You don’t think it’s because I had to swipe my card over three times to get it to work?

I don’t think so. Why would you think that would cause an error?

Because I write software all day and that’s what I would make the system do. You know, to catch all the identity thieves.

Peon is now eyeing Devon even more suspiciously because he just acknowledged that he was a hacker.

I just don’t know why the signatures don’t match . . .

You’re right, I stole a credit card and got a fake license so I could but $18 worth of thread tape, travel sized bottles and a razor.

Peon is now eyeing Devon even more suspiciously because he just admitted he had a stolen credit card.

Do you have a manager I can talk to?

Peon disappears and comes back with a worker who is clearly a friend and not a manager. She is explaining the story as they walk back.

Peon friend examines signatures on screen, card and credit card.

Yep, the signatures don’t match.

Devon is now pinching himself to make sure he’s awake and wondering how much he values his travel bottles and razors.

I’m sorry, the signatures just don’t match.

Are you serious? I was charged for this stuff. I’m not going to leave without it.

Peon looks unsure what to do.

. . .

Get Loss Prevention over here.

Peon looks at Devon dubiously like he is tricking her, but retrieves the Loss Prevention man.

Can I see your license, sir?

Devon hands Loss Prevention Man his license. Man compares face and name on license to Devon and the name on the credit card.

So what’s the problem?

Absolutely nothing.

Devon takes his bag and leaves.